Because I feel kind of lost lately.
This is one of those days when I'm supposed to study but is just looking for a way out of it. So here I am.
Ever wanted to say something so bad but you have to hold your tongue? I did. Every single one worded reply I sent him.
I have been prohibited from my bestie from texting my ex. Ever. I don't know if it's the right call to make, by trusting my life's decision to somebody else but right now, that seems about right. I'm so drunk in the idea that any form of I Love Yous seems pretty legit to me. Seems like everyone is asking me to stay away, but how much can a strong person take? Ever since the break up, I was just empty hoping that a message would come my way. A sorry, an apology to say the least. Nothing.
Not only that, I had to restrain myself from getting into other relationships. Just because I don't think I can trust anybody anymore. I don't feel like myself lately. I got close to a few of my old friends but the moment we got too close, I backed out like a deer about to hit a streetlight. And I keep doing that. Not that it's their fault, it's mine. The minute they show any sign that they like me, trust me when I say this, I could have broken another 800m record by the speed I got away. I hit a personal record turning down proposals last week. No achievement. Just a wallow of self despair. Because I couldn't find it in myself to feel anything anymore. A numbness that overwhelms the heart.
Just the other day his friend was whatsapping me when he mentioned about Dota. Halfway through he said I wouldn't understand. It's a guy's thing. I said " Try me " and I actually did understood what he was talking about. See like a dumb fool I was, I did go to watch and support my ex when he was playing in the dota competition. I know many girls wouldn't. But me being a damn idiot went there with my final sessionals so close, brought food for him and sat through the entire mind numbing match with zero knowledge and interest in my mind. The only thing that kept me there? Love.
When he heard this, man that guy was impressed. Needless to say he knows what I am going through and gave me a piece of advice which I'm going to write here to remind myself until my blog gets published :if you open up your heart a bit i'm telling u boys will be scavenging you like the last piece of meat on earth" yeah thanks. But my heart is vacant now.
I've been getting really good scores in exams lately despite trying to find a balance in my life. My friend said, "eh now no boyfriend d going to become topper d lah?" That was after I scored 57/60 for one of the subjects falling short on the 3 marks because the lecturers HAVE to subtract my marks albeit no mistakes because "nobody ever gotten perfect score before". I'm at this point of my life where my past relationships is being pulled out and being joked around. I kid but I don't laugh. I laugh at the statement that I "need to get a bf soon. Because aiya why wanna be sad sad over someone?"
But really. What's the point of being at the top when the view up there is so lonely? I'd rather be somewhere mediocre and have someone share my ups and downs with me. I know that there are who would like to be that person to me. But for now, I think I'm going to surrender to being a nun. Just for now. Until I can get over this fear that grips me.
The worse is when you know for a fact he is enjoying every minute of his life, you being just a past to trample on. Damn them feels.
I cant believe I could get anyone I want but I'm still pining for him. Guess the love I felt at that time was real albeit his. Guess this is the suckiest feeling I'll ever dig myself into.
When my blog gets published, this post will be deleted. I'm a little miss sunshine. I hide it well from my daily life.
You'll do fine darling, just run a little harder. You're almost there. Almost. The finish line is already in sight.
CHRIS DARLING stardy your damn endo!!
Just carry on. Carry on.
This is one of those days when I'm supposed to study but is just looking for a way out of it. So here I am.
Ever wanted to say something so bad but you have to hold your tongue? I did. Every single one worded reply I sent him.
I have been prohibited from my bestie from texting my ex. Ever. I don't know if it's the right call to make, by trusting my life's decision to somebody else but right now, that seems about right. I'm so drunk in the idea that any form of I Love Yous seems pretty legit to me. Seems like everyone is asking me to stay away, but how much can a strong person take? Ever since the break up, I was just empty hoping that a message would come my way. A sorry, an apology to say the least. Nothing.
Not only that, I had to restrain myself from getting into other relationships. Just because I don't think I can trust anybody anymore. I don't feel like myself lately. I got close to a few of my old friends but the moment we got too close, I backed out like a deer about to hit a streetlight. And I keep doing that. Not that it's their fault, it's mine. The minute they show any sign that they like me, trust me when I say this, I could have broken another 800m record by the speed I got away. I hit a personal record turning down proposals last week. No achievement. Just a wallow of self despair. Because I couldn't find it in myself to feel anything anymore. A numbness that overwhelms the heart.
Just the other day his friend was whatsapping me when he mentioned about Dota. Halfway through he said I wouldn't understand. It's a guy's thing. I said " Try me " and I actually did understood what he was talking about. See like a dumb fool I was, I did go to watch and support my ex when he was playing in the dota competition. I know many girls wouldn't. But me being a damn idiot went there with my final sessionals so close, brought food for him and sat through the entire mind numbing match with zero knowledge and interest in my mind. The only thing that kept me there? Love.
When he heard this, man that guy was impressed. Needless to say he knows what I am going through and gave me a piece of advice which I'm going to write here to remind myself until my blog gets published :if you open up your heart a bit i'm telling u boys will be scavenging you like the last piece of meat on earth" yeah thanks. But my heart is vacant now.
I've been getting really good scores in exams lately despite trying to find a balance in my life. My friend said, "eh now no boyfriend d going to become topper d lah?" That was after I scored 57/60 for one of the subjects falling short on the 3 marks because the lecturers HAVE to subtract my marks albeit no mistakes because "nobody ever gotten perfect score before". I'm at this point of my life where my past relationships is being pulled out and being joked around. I kid but I don't laugh. I laugh at the statement that I "need to get a bf soon. Because aiya why wanna be sad sad over someone?"
But really. What's the point of being at the top when the view up there is so lonely? I'd rather be somewhere mediocre and have someone share my ups and downs with me. I know that there are who would like to be that person to me. But for now, I think I'm going to surrender to being a nun. Just for now. Until I can get over this fear that grips me.
The worse is when you know for a fact he is enjoying every minute of his life, you being just a past to trample on. Damn them feels.
I cant believe I could get anyone I want but I'm still pining for him. Guess the love I felt at that time was real albeit his. Guess this is the suckiest feeling I'll ever dig myself into.
When my blog gets published, this post will be deleted. I'm a little miss sunshine. I hide it well from my daily life.
You'll do fine darling, just run a little harder. You're almost there. Almost. The finish line is already in sight.
CHRIS DARLING stardy your damn endo!!
Just carry on. Carry on.
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