Little Miss Sunshine :)

Lately I've been receiving very sympathetic messages asking me to be strong. So presuming that it is the result of my first and second posts, allow me to justify myself.

The posts were written shortly after I got back from Malaysia but remained unpublished till early April hence the recent date of publication. It does not at all reflect on how I feel at this moment as I am indeed over it.

So no need to tell me to be strong. I'm fine. More than fine.

The past is not going to change. I am moving forward as planned with a big smile on my face :) The next chapter will be legen....wait for it...dary!!! LEGENDARY!!

2 and a half more months. Time flies!! GASP!!

I have two and a half more months to home. CANT WAIT!!!

But first, UNIVERSITY EXAMS stands as a big hurdle. But I will survive :)

Exams thou shall be conquered!!!

Do you wanna build a snowman?

Ok well at least not in India, NOT in this scorching hot weather!!

Wheee Mumbai in 2 days time!!

I'm so excited about it I'm doing my virtual happy dance!!! You feeling me?!

Why aren't I doing it in real life? Extraction of an impacted 3rd molar!! Boo hoo!!! :(

Explains the puffy cheeks and overly fed elephant look I've been sporting the past couple of days.. Tee hee!!

My, my.. Wish me safe travels!!! And I'll see you all on the other side :)

I love it when I get my travelling mojo on!!

Touris-sy mood ON!! And I dont look vietnam~ish here please!

Happiness is...

When you feel the love from everyone. Far or near.

My birthday was about two weeks ago and boy I was loaded with so much love and warmth I nearly died from an overdose :P

I'm writing this in the middle of the night so don't mind the horrid use of English here and there :)

And of course, just like every year, my birthday always falls either on exam week, 'cheng beng' or sports week. This year was no different with the first semester exams in full swing and my birthday just happened to be smacked right in between.

Frankly speaking, I wasn't expecting much. In fact, I wasn't expecting anything at all.. Considering the fact that both my housemate and I didn't study very much in the first half of this semester, we were prepared for a bloody all night fight to the death with the books. 

My first present is obviously a gift from my parents. Shipped with love all the way from Malaysia. They know me so well that nothing in this world would make me happier than to receive glorious Malaysian food. So they packed 47kg worth of foooooddd and couriered it all the way here :) They sure know their little girl well. Nothing compares to the joy of opening the boxes and slowly pulling out food items that I have so dearly missed since coming to India. It's like Christmas in March :) 

Now coming on to the night before the big day: 

It all started with me getting really really thirsty in the middle of the night. It's summer over here and I can feel my skin slowly crumpling into a prune each day even with my air conditioning switched on to full blast. That night was no exception. So I ordered Teaze bubble milk tea just to quench my thirst as well as satisfy my insatiable quest for something cool. (p/s insatiable because no matter how cold anything is over here, once it's out in the heat for 10 seconds, it just turns warm). And when it arrived, boy did I jump on that thing like a camel!!

Fast forward one hour later, my ever smart, ever loving housemate (I know she is reading this) anticipated that I was going to use the washroom soon because I finished one whole large bottle of bubble teaze all by myself. How perfectly timed. Just as I was about to leave my room to use the washroom, voila~!!! Typical power cut.

I obviously went outside and started complaining but the corner of my eyes caught a flicker of glimmer. Oh my gosh. Candlelight on my table!!! With a chocolate moist cake in the middle. And what's that? My friends came marching in with my favourite breezer in hand. Oh what joy!!! Apparently the cake was baked immediately after their exams. My housemate even made me a video. Yes I cried like a baby panda. And yes I could just die from sweetness.

24 turned out to be 42. HAIH!!!

Not only that, they hung presents for me all over my house. With labelled stations. Such sweet darlings.

I went to sleep happy.

Not only that, my parents and so many of my friends even stayed up until 12am India time just to call and wish me. I felt so blessed listening to everyone's voices :) I couldn't help but feel sorry for those calls that I missed at 12am sharp because I'm outside celebrating but thank you from the bottom of my heart!

When I woke up the next day, another round of surprise with my housemate making me cute mickey mouse shaped cheese sandwich. Yummy in my tummy!! The day went on with more calls, messages in whatsapp, wechat,skype, instagram as well as twitter!! Every single one filled with so much of love. I smiled so widely as I was reading through every single one of them. My housemate said that was the first time she saw me smiling from the heart since I came back from Malaysia!! That was how happy I was that day :)

I even made BBQ chicken for lunch and she made scallop soup for dinner. I over ate the entire day. But I was so elated I couldn't care less.

Fast forward another one more week and boom another surprise party!!! WHAT? TWO surprise party?!! I must be doing something right to deserve such amazing friends. :)

I was conned to go over to my neighbour's house under the pretense that they have cooked dinner for us. Previously I had gone to Marena and overstayed my run there a little bit so I was running a little (very) late. So the moment I got home, I jumped into the shower, got out and vroom to her place.

But when I opened the door,

That moment I will never forget.

Beautiful.

Homemade cakes, flowers, cards and most importantly a room full of friends. Friends who stood by me, friends who are laughing so gleefully, friends who I feel most comfortable surrounding myself with.

Being overwhelmed by emotions at that time, the first thing that I could blurt out was "Omg my hair!!"

As the party got under way, I realised that they had ordered catering from my favourite shop in Manipal. Not only that, the first year juniors even got me my favourite flavour of ice cream!!! OMG!!!

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, my neighbour who was having a slight headache from her annual day started making "hokkien mee" for all of us. Love her to bits!

And out of no where, my friend, Steph Chan pops by with a beautiful apple swan, carved entirely from scratch . Oh my!!! It was so beautiful I didn't have the heart to eat it.. It's still in my fridge till now <3 Goodness me, my friends are just amazing!!

Halfway through my meal, my neighbours and friends decide to surprise me with another gift. I just wanted to hug them and tell them that the entire party was more than enough. Truly.

My KMC friends, Syakirah, Nora and Baydah also stopped by to give me a cute monkey with an even more adorable headband. How much sweetness can I have in a day? :)

We ended up playing games and chitchatting way into the night. I forgot what time I went to bed that day but I certainly went to sleep with a big smile on my face. A smile that cant be wiped off from my face any time soon :) tee hee!!!

I'm ever so thankful to my dearest housemate Stephenie for planning the entire thing. Despite everything that she is going through, she made it a point to make me happy. And she did it ever so brilliantly. They say good friends are hard to come by. Man I'm lucky to find one who is better than great. She stands by me through the good, bad and the ugly. She has my back even when I fall. I'm really blessed.

And how can I forget my little brother, Arron whose role ranges from the shoulder I cry on to the awesome chef in the kitchen? Thank you for taking time out to bake such a yummy cake for me, for buying the flowers and cards as well as for planning the party with Steph. You are the most reliable, nicest and fun loving guy ever and you are indeed the bestest best little brother ever. (Others are going to start making noise d when they see this :P)

My neighbours, Hui Ling and Jian. Three words. BEST NEIGHBOUR EVER! Thank you for organizing the entire thing in your house. You two even cleaned out the entire house after the party by yourselves. Oh my!!! How blessed am I to have such awesome housemates? Thank you for putting up so much and for planning the entire thing. I know it must have been very hectic and tiresome for you two, from going out to order the food to cooking the hokkien mee and all the way to buying my presents. I really do appreciate it.

After the party was over, I received a big tube of baskin robbins from my friend of 12 years as well as Lemon tarts and a huge card from my favourite and the most beautiful Canadian babe.

Oh my. Till date, I'm still at a lost for words to describe how overjoyed I am.

My little loyal doggie shares the same birth date as me. Happy 11 years lil buddy :)

Doggie says good night after a hectic day of party!! :)

So thank you all for the amazing party, surprise and for the warmth you guys have poured into it.

It's a long post but if blessings can be counted, this post wont even cut it. :)

Demons (2)

When the heart breaks, no it don't break even.

No it don't.

Just the other day I began to question so much that was way beyond me.

"Wasn't I good enough?
Did I do something wrong?
Did I not fulfill my role as a girlfriend well enough?
Am I not pretty enough?
Was it something I said?
Was it something I did?

Guess I'll never know.
But after letting it simmer a while I realise it wasn't me.

As much as others have tried to talk me out of it, I have to accept a very harsh fact of life.
"There will always be somebody better than you. Better. But just not you."

I have learned throughout this journey that if I compare myself with everyone and anyone, pretty soon I'm going to mentally picture myself no better than a homeless old hag living off the dump with 267 kittens and I know that I'm better than that.

You fight for love. And you fight hard.

One does not simply fall out of love so quickly. It is a decision. It is when you decide to stop fighting that you lose the love that once filled your heart with so much warmth and gladness.

People don't just change. They decide to. It is a conscious decision to love and to receive love. I have never believed in the idea of fate. It is about how hard you fight and if the other person was worth the wounds, cuts and bruises, by all means, strap up, suit up and get your ass up because it's gonna be bloody out there. It may hurt now, but the ultimate prize, now that's worth savouring. Wounds heal eventually.

And of course you don't decide to stop loving someone and then pour your heart out on another person. That's indignity.

 My senior and his girlfriend would be approaching 7 years of long distance relationship now.
2 years of him being in Kuala Lumpur and another 5 years of him being in India.
I envy. I envy how much they fight for their love. I envy how he would think of her even though they are miles apart, writing songs and posts for her. I envy how he would still find her the prettiest even they were miles apart and most of all I envy how they kept the flame going eventhough rough wind have been howling at it for so long now. It wasn't an easy road but we, as the bystanders watched in awe as both of them fought for each other. To grow closer to each other even through the distance. And I realised that no amount of physical contact was needed because their hearts was set right next to each other. The harder they fought, the more relentless they were, their hearts came closer and closer. Bit by bit until a point that it wasn't about the fight anymore, they were just waiting for their happy ever after.

I envy. I envy because mine chose not to fight. Mine chose to throw the fight into the arena, leaving me to hold up the other end of the rope all by myself even before it began. Mine chose to throw it in because 1 year was too much for him. And that I wasn't worth the fight. It's a battle out there and mine didn't even make it into the draw. How I envy.

What I could not beget is how fast you forgot about me. How quickly you stopped caring. How do you suddenly stop caring for the person who once meant the world to you?
Answer : You don't. You just never really love the other to begin with.

Now that you are gone, there's just so much that needed to be said, should have been said but never will be.

No doubt there are plenty of prettier, better girls out there. There always is. Someone better. I probably overestimated your willpower.

My neighbour and I were discussing about this just the other day over the dishes. Small talk.
Sometimes, well just sometimes it's not about finding the perfect one. It's about loving and being the perfect one for your partner. It's about self improvement and to nurture yourself so that you would be able to fit into the role, just like how your fingers fits in between his. You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person, perfectly.

Go ahead. Promise her the world like you did to me. Promise her with all the lies you fed me. Promise her that you would never leave.

One of my friends scolded me the other day " I have been after you for 5 years now, each time picking you up whenever some jerk breaks you up, fools you around and look,I'm still around. I have always been here for you. Always waiting. But you have never seen me. You have never even looked at me as a man."
I'm sorry. I truly am. I can't break your heart just because someone broke mine. You belong to someone else. Your heart was not meant to be mine as mine was never intended for you. Safe guard your heart until you meet someone who truly deserves your unending love. It is the only decent thing I could do. I refuse to start something that I know I could never sustain, unlike my ex. At least not for now.

Someday I'll find someone worthy of my love. Someone. Until I meet you, take care of yourself. Protect your heart like how you will protect mine many years down the road.

And I promise to take care of myself, if you promise to take care of yourself. And someday, just someday when you least expect it, I'll find you. I'm making my way as fast as I can as you are to me.

Let go.
Somethings are not worth the fight. YOU are no longer worth the fight.




有些话说与不说都是伤害，有些人留与不留都会离开。如果我放弃了、不是因为我输了而是我懂了。



One small crack doesn't mean you are broken. It means that you have been put to the test and you didn't fall apart.
I will never fall apart. I have been too strong for too long.

You WERE everything to me. I will put away the person that I once thought you were. Put away the flashbacks that I get ever so often. Put away all the empty promises you made. Put away what we were "supposed" to be.

And finally, Forget you.

Battle wounds (1)

About a week ago, I gave my favorite lecturer something to remember me by, a simple card thanking him for believing in me when others wouldn't. (and obviously because I am a damn apple polisher) He, obviously taken by surprise by the gesture starts complimenting me about how proud my parents would have been of me. To quote him, you stood out amongst all because of your love for what you do and your drive that propelled you to achieve beyond any imaginable limit. Your parents must be extremely proud.

Yes they are. In fact, I've heard of so many people telling me how they ought to be proud of how they have raised strong willed, independent women. Women who strikes with an iron rod but rules with a heart of a nurturing tigress, ready to pounce on any predator who dare hurt the ones she keeps close to her heart. My sister and I alike, both driven young ladies took it upon ourselves to mould ourselves to become individuals with respectable self esteem, ones who would defy the laws of men and would not succumb to bending over backwards just to please others. Of course we are not there yet, but we are certainly further from where we started.

Now what I'm about to write about certainly has no bearing on who or what I have become or about my upbringing, instead it is about the journey of getting there.

A story of grief. A story of betrayal and a story of disappointment.

And ultimately a story of how I got lost in this whirlpool of madness.

I have always imagined life to be but a gamble, a game. Where everyone starts out with a full deck of card. Shiny, unopened, ready for those who dare dreams and for those who bares to risk it all.

Now being the overly cautious person that I am, I took all the hearts out and kept them aside. See, my idea of romance has never been young people buying lavish gifts and filling the other half with empty promises. No. My idea of romance has always been cheesy, something very much forgotten and maybe a lil outdated for my generation perhaps. I love the idea of growing old and gray with someone. For that special someone to be there for me each stumble and fall I might have to face in life but still have my back, that special someone who still fall in love with me even if I wake up with my bare face all pale and smudged from the pillow cover, that someone who will still falls in love with me even when I look my worst, a special someone who loves me when I'm clad in my sunflower shorts instead of the figure hugging gown that men craves. A little cheesy I know, but my mind has a tendency to live in the past.

So as the days go by, I took my spades into the battle ground, trade off diamonds for clubs, there are times that I have lost but there are also times that I have won. But each time being ever so careful never to trade the hearts.

Until I met you. In all honesty when you showed your hands, I wasn't playing with a full deck. I threw only a portion of my heart cards I have so carefully hidden so far. I'm not naive. I know how to play this game.

But as the years passed by, I find myself putting more and more cards on the table as you showed me yours. As each year passed, more cards I took out and more risks I was willing to take, because of the magnitude of what my hearts can do paired with yours. What I failed to realise is that you were already slowly withdrawing your hands. One by one you slowly took out your card from the equation. Along with mine.

Thankfully I was dumb but not naive. I kept the kings and queens save. Hidden.

And when you withdrew yourself to another table ever so quickly, I am but without any more. Just the King and the Queen that were too big to gamble off.

Abstract I know.

3 years.

3 full years.

It is preposterous that 3 years worth of love could be forgotten within such short period of time. As much as I am beneath myself to force myself to forget, I am unable to. This boy took all my cards. Crumpled it and is now gambling on another table. This little gamble took me by surprise. A little too big of a surprise.

And all that is left now are just silent memories that keep replaying through my head. He was a smart cookie. He has played this game before. He knew how to start it and he sure damn knows how to end it.

While I'm left trudging back through the streets that lit up with memories whenever I drive through, he is long gone. Passing by each landmark which holds such gravity of soul doesn't come easy everyday. How can I forget the place where I lit up heart shaped candles on the floor for your birthday, the seat I usually sit on while I cheered you on for basketball even though I understood nothing of the game, the sinful vadapuff sessions by the roadside after class, the roads of the hostel where I used to sit and wait for you to come pick me up, the special seat in our favourite restaurants reserved only for us or the little shop by the road that we used to rush to have breakfast at when I was in 2nd year because i liked the cold horlicks there? All these places, filled with so much lies, they stalk me like a demon hounding his prey.

If that's hard, try having almost every teacher, shop owner, gym trainer or even friends asking you how he is? "Oh yes he is doing fine. In fact he has decided he is doing too well without me that he has totally forgotten bout me".

Oh and did I mention one teacher even asked me when I'm going to get married to him? 

"He just didn't find me worth waiting A YEAR AND A HALF for." That always stump them.

He had it easy. He wiped his hands clean of any crumbs and left. I, on the other hand, am left facing the very same thing that haunts me every night. The same places that I've been, the same people that I see, all of which never fails to remind me of you. Memories haunt me. I haunt myself.

Trudging through everyday in this place laden with so much memories has not been easy. So I made a vow. I promised myself that I will sit and idle at all the beautiful memories that once warmed me up and to cut it all down with a single blow. Only with that would I be able to retrieve all my "hearts" cards that I have so generously poured out. And for each memory that I forget, the more cards shall return to my possession.

I vowed to love myself more. And the people who truly stood by me. But above all, I vow to repossess the heart cards that I have lost along this little circus. And I vow to retire from this gamble for a good few years up until I know for sure that I have found myself back in this cruel tireless game.

Up until recently I couldn't find the strength to continue this quest to forget what I thought you were. I couldn't. I was in disbelief, hoping that it was all a big misunderstanding, that you were going through a tough time in a tough place. In an febrile attempt to finally forget about u, my closest friend showed me a message u sent her.

She asked if you still loved me. You couldn't even answer that. "That's a good question" What kind of answer is that? A measly 3 months away and you couldn't sustain a flaming love of 3 years. That was the last nail on the coffin. I'm truly thankful that she showed me that for if it was without that motivation I would have reconciled with you long back. But that final blow was all that I needed to remind myself that I AM NOT BENEATH YOU.

You couldn't sustain a love just because I was going through a bad time? Is that how a 25 year old adult man (sorry it should be boy. You don't qualify as a man) should be thinking?

All good brews takes time to nurture.

You expected me to adjust to our long distance relationship in such a short period? Hell I knew that fights were coming our way but I knew for a fact that it was just a transition until I get to know your schedule a lil better and that the time difference between your work and mine was just something to ease into. But no. You took it as an opportunity. Blasphemy.

I was going through my finals in addition to that I was undergoing a surgery for a cyst. With so much going on in my life, I was without a doubt under tremendous stress, hence the climatic erratic messages. I thought u understood. But no, you used that as an excuse to severe all ties. You used the lowest part of my life as an excuse for you to start a new.

I stood by you when you had nothing. No status, no wealth, nothing to shout for. I stood by you. Accepting you for who and what you are. Your flaws and imperfections I took it all in. Now that you are a boy with status, possessions and power in a new environment, you turned your back on me. Is that the thanks I deserve? The thanks that I get for believing, supporting you in your lowest parts of your life? A big THANK YOU during mine?

And to think that throughout these whole time I was still very much concerned with your well being in this new horrible environment that you have been sent to. If you were alright, if you could take it, if you were driving safely to work every morning even though you broke the hearts that I hold so dearly and that you obviously do not care about me anymore. Yes I am a dumb ass.

Nobody said that life is easy but nobody said that it would drag you down to the pits of the fiery earth. I am indeed thankful for all those who have been ever giving to me. Unlike you, these people do believe in me and that this pit that I have dug myself into, I will one day be able to free myself from these shackles that binds me. NO I wont succumb to lowering my own dignity and standards just to satisfy your childish desires.

And if you ask me are those people right for assuming that my parents ought to be proud of me? Hell yeah. I am strong enough to carry on with the dreams that I have yet to achieved, with or without a boy by my side . And I sure am wise enough to know that enough is enough. You want to play around with people's heart? Go. Not mine. It took me 24 years to mould myself into the person that a 5 year old me would be proud of and I certainly am not going to let you take that away from me.

So yes, teacher. My parents would be indeed proud of the child that they have flourished. (Perasan gila) :)