When the heart breaks, no it don't break even.
No it don't.
Just the other day I began to question so much that was way beyond me.
"Wasn't I good enough?
Did I do something wrong?
Did I not fulfill my role as a girlfriend well enough?
Am I not pretty enough?
Was it something I said?
Was it something I did?
Guess I'll never know.
But after letting it simmer a while I realise it wasn't me.
As much as others have tried to talk me out of it, I have to accept a very harsh fact of life.
"There will always be somebody better than you. Better. But just not you."
I have learned throughout this journey that if I compare myself with everyone and anyone, pretty soon I'm going to mentally picture myself no better than a homeless old hag living off the dump with 267 kittens and I know that I'm better than that.
You fight for love. And you fight hard.
One does not simply fall out of love so quickly. It is a decision. It is when you decide to stop fighting that you lose the love that once filled your heart with so much warmth and gladness.
People don't just change. They decide to. It is a conscious decision to love and to receive love. I have never believed in the idea of fate. It is about how hard you fight and if the other person was worth the wounds, cuts and bruises, by all means, strap up, suit up and get your ass up because it's gonna be bloody out there. It may hurt now, but the ultimate prize, now that's worth savouring. Wounds heal eventually.
And of course you don't decide to stop loving someone and then pour your heart out on another person. That's indignity.
2 years of him being in Kuala Lumpur and another 5 years of him being in India.
I envy. I envy how much they fight for their love. I envy how he would think of her even though they are miles apart, writing songs and posts for her. I envy how he would still find her the prettiest even they were miles apart and most of all I envy how they kept the flame going eventhough rough wind have been howling at it for so long now. It wasn't an easy road but we, as the bystanders watched in awe as both of them fought for each other. To grow closer to each other even through the distance. And I realised that no amount of physical contact was needed because their hearts was set right next to each other. The harder they fought, the more relentless they were, their hearts came closer and closer. Bit by bit until a point that it wasn't about the fight anymore, they were just waiting for their happy ever after.
I envy. I envy because mine chose not to fight. Mine chose to throw the fight into the arena, leaving me to hold up the other end of the rope all by myself even before it began. Mine chose to throw it in because 1 year was too much for him. And that I wasn't worth the fight. It's a battle out there and mine didn't even make it into the draw. How I envy.
What I could not beget is how fast you forgot about me. How quickly you stopped caring. How do you suddenly stop caring for the person who once meant the world to you?
Answer : You don't. You just never really love the other to begin with.
Now that you are gone, there's just so much that needed to be said, should have been said but never will be.
No doubt there are plenty of prettier, better girls out there. There always is. Someone better. I probably overestimated your willpower.
My neighbour and I were discussing about this just the other day over the dishes. Small talk.
Sometimes, well just sometimes it's not about finding the perfect one. It's about loving and being the perfect one for your partner. It's about self improvement and to nurture yourself so that you would be able to fit into the role, just like how your fingers fits in between his. You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person, perfectly.
Go ahead. Promise her the world like you did to me. Promise her with all the lies you fed me. Promise her that you would never leave.
One of my friends scolded me the other day " I have been after you for 5 years now, each time picking you up whenever some jerk breaks you up, fools you around and look,I'm still around. I have always been here for you. Always waiting. But you have never seen me. You have never even looked at me as a man."
I'm sorry. I truly am. I can't break your heart just because someone broke mine. You belong to someone else. Your heart was not meant to be mine as mine was never intended for you. Safe guard your heart until you meet someone who truly deserves your unending love. It is the only decent thing I could do. I refuse to start something that I know I could never sustain, unlike my ex. At least not for now.
Someday I'll find someone worthy of my love. Someone. Until I meet you, take care of yourself. Protect your heart like how you will protect mine many years down the road.
And I promise to take care of myself, if you promise to take care of yourself. And someday, just someday when you least expect it, I'll find you. I'm making my way as fast as I can as you are to me.
Let go.
Somethings are not worth the fight. YOU are no longer worth the fight.
有些话说与不说都是伤害，有些人留与不留都会离开。如果我放弃了、不是因为我输了而是我懂了。
One small crack doesn't mean you are broken. It means that you have been put to the test and you didn't fall apart.
I will never fall apart. I have been too strong for too long.
You WERE everything to me. I will put away the person that I once thought you were. Put away the flashbacks that I get ever so often. Put away all the empty promises you made. Put away what we were "supposed" to be.
And finally, Forget you.
Forget about him. You deserve better.
ReplyDeleteAs and when this post got uploaded, he has been forgotten :)
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