About a week ago, I gave my favorite lecturer something to remember me by, a simple card thanking him for believing in me when others wouldn't. (and obviously because I am a damn apple polisher) He, obviously taken by surprise by the gesture starts complimenting me about how proud my parents would have been of me. To quote him, you stood out amongst all because of your love for what you do and your drive that propelled you to achieve beyond any imaginable limit. Your parents must be extremely proud.
Now being the overly cautious person that I am, I took all the hearts out and kept them aside. See, my idea of romance has never been young people buying lavish gifts and filling the other half with empty promises. No. My idea of romance has always been cheesy, something very much forgotten and maybe a lil outdated for my generation perhaps. I love the idea of growing old and gray with someone. For that special someone to be there for me each stumble and fall I might have to face in life but still have my back, that special someone who still fall in love with me even if I wake up with my bare face all pale and smudged from the pillow cover, that someone who will still falls in love with me even when I look my worst, a special someone who loves me when I'm clad in my sunflower shorts instead of the figure hugging gown that men craves. A little cheesy I know, but my mind has a tendency to live in the past.
Until I met you. In all honesty when you showed your hands, I wasn't playing with a full deck. I threw only a portion of my heart cards I have so carefully hidden so far. I'm not naive. I know how to play this game.
But as the years passed by, I find myself putting more and more cards on the table as you showed me yours. As each year passed, more cards I took out and more risks I was willing to take, because of the magnitude of what my hearts can do paired with yours. What I failed to realise is that you were already slowly withdrawing your hands. One by one you slowly took out your card from the equation. Along with mine.
He had it easy. He wiped his hands clean of any crumbs and left. I, on the other hand, am left facing the very same thing that haunts me every night. The same places that I've been, the same people that I see, all of which never fails to remind me of you. Memories haunt me. I haunt myself.
Yes they are. In fact, I've heard of so many people telling me how they ought to be proud of how they have raised strong willed, independent women. Women who strikes with an iron rod but rules with a heart of a nurturing tigress, ready to pounce on any predator who dare hurt the ones she keeps close to her heart. My sister and I alike, both driven young ladies took it upon ourselves to mould ourselves to become individuals with respectable self esteem, ones who would defy the laws of men and would not succumb to bending over backwards just to please others. Of course we are not there yet, but we are certainly further from where we started.
Now what I'm about to write about certainly has no bearing on who or what I have become or about my upbringing, instead it is about the journey of getting there.
A story of grief. A story of betrayal and a story of disappointment.
And ultimately a story of how I got lost in this whirlpool of madness.
I have always imagined life to be but a gamble, a game. Where everyone starts out with a full deck of card. Shiny, unopened, ready for those who dare dreams and for those who bares to risk it all.
Now being the overly cautious person that I am, I took all the hearts out and kept them aside. See, my idea of romance has never been young people buying lavish gifts and filling the other half with empty promises. No. My idea of romance has always been cheesy, something very much forgotten and maybe a lil outdated for my generation perhaps. I love the idea of growing old and gray with someone. For that special someone to be there for me each stumble and fall I might have to face in life but still have my back, that special someone who still fall in love with me even if I wake up with my bare face all pale and smudged from the pillow cover, that someone who will still falls in love with me even when I look my worst, a special someone who loves me when I'm clad in my sunflower shorts instead of the figure hugging gown that men craves. A little cheesy I know, but my mind has a tendency to live in the past.
So as the days go by, I took my spades into the battle ground, trade off diamonds for clubs, there are times that I have lost but there are also times that I have won. But each time being ever so careful never to trade the hearts.
Until I met you. In all honesty when you showed your hands, I wasn't playing with a full deck. I threw only a portion of my heart cards I have so carefully hidden so far. I'm not naive. I know how to play this game.
But as the years passed by, I find myself putting more and more cards on the table as you showed me yours. As each year passed, more cards I took out and more risks I was willing to take, because of the magnitude of what my hearts can do paired with yours. What I failed to realise is that you were already slowly withdrawing your hands. One by one you slowly took out your card from the equation. Along with mine.
Thankfully I was dumb but not naive. I kept the kings and queens save. Hidden.
And when you withdrew yourself to another table ever so quickly, I am but without any more. Just the King and the Queen that were too big to gamble off.
Abstract I know.
3 years.
3 full years.
It is preposterous that 3 years worth of love could be forgotten within such short period of time. As much as I am beneath myself to force myself to forget, I am unable to. This boy took all my cards. Crumpled it and is now gambling on another table. This little gamble took me by surprise. A little too big of a surprise.
And all that is left now are just silent memories that keep replaying through my head. He was a smart cookie. He has played this game before. He knew how to start it and he sure damn knows how to end it.
While I'm left trudging back through the streets that lit up with memories whenever I drive through, he is long gone. Passing by each landmark which holds such gravity of soul doesn't come easy everyday. How can I forget the place where I lit up heart shaped candles on the floor for your birthday, the seat I usually sit on while I cheered you on for basketball even though I understood nothing of the game, the sinful vadapuff sessions by the roadside after class, the roads of the hostel where I used to sit and wait for you to come pick me up, the special seat in our favourite restaurants reserved only for us or the little shop by the road that we used to rush to have breakfast at when I was in 2nd year because i liked the cold horlicks there? All these places, filled with so much lies, they stalk me like a demon hounding his prey.
If that's hard, try having almost every teacher, shop owner, gym trainer or even friends asking you how he is? "Oh yes he is doing fine. In fact he has decided he is doing too well without me that he has totally forgotten bout me".
Oh and did I mention one teacher even asked me when I'm going to get married to him?
"He just didn't find me worth waiting A YEAR AND A HALF for." That always stump them.
He had it easy. He wiped his hands clean of any crumbs and left. I, on the other hand, am left facing the very same thing that haunts me every night. The same places that I've been, the same people that I see, all of which never fails to remind me of you. Memories haunt me. I haunt myself.
Trudging through everyday in this place laden with so much memories has not been easy. So I made a vow. I promised myself that I will sit and idle at all the beautiful memories that once warmed me up and to cut it all down with a single blow. Only with that would I be able to retrieve all my "hearts" cards that I have so generously poured out. And for each memory that I forget, the more cards shall return to my possession.
I vowed to love myself more. And the people who truly stood by me. But above all, I vow to repossess the heart cards that I have lost along this little circus. And I vow to retire from this gamble for a good few years up until I know for sure that I have found myself back in this cruel tireless game.
Up until recently I couldn't find the strength to continue this quest to forget what I thought you were. I couldn't. I was in disbelief, hoping that it was all a big misunderstanding, that you were going through a tough time in a tough place. In an febrile attempt to finally forget about u, my closest friend showed me a message u sent her.
She asked if you still loved me. You couldn't even answer that. "That's a good question" What kind of answer is that? A measly 3 months away and you couldn't sustain a flaming love of 3 years. That was the last nail on the coffin. I'm truly thankful that she showed me that for if it was without that motivation I would have reconciled with you long back. But that final blow was all that I needed to remind myself that I AM NOT BENEATH YOU.
You couldn't sustain a love just because I was going through a bad time? Is that how a 25 year old adult man (sorry it should be boy. You don't qualify as a man) should be thinking?
All good brews takes time to nurture.
You expected me to adjust to our long distance relationship in such a short period? Hell I knew that fights were coming our way but I knew for a fact that it was just a transition until I get to know your schedule a lil better and that the time difference between your work and mine was just something to ease into. But no. You took it as an opportunity. Blasphemy.
I was going through my finals in addition to that I was undergoing a surgery for a cyst. With so much going on in my life, I was without a doubt under tremendous stress, hence the climatic erratic messages. I thought u understood. But no, you used that as an excuse to severe all ties. You used the lowest part of my life as an excuse for you to start a new.
I stood by you when you had nothing. No status, no wealth, nothing to shout for. I stood by you. Accepting you for who and what you are. Your flaws and imperfections I took it all in. Now that you are a boy with status, possessions and power in a new environment, you turned your back on me. Is that the thanks I deserve? The thanks that I get for believing, supporting you in your lowest parts of your life? A big THANK YOU during mine?
And to think that throughout these whole time I was still very much concerned with your well being in this new horrible environment that you have been sent to. If you were alright, if you could take it, if you were driving safely to work every morning even though you broke the hearts that I hold so dearly and that you obviously do not care about me anymore. Yes I am a dumb ass.
Nobody said that life is easy but nobody said that it would drag you down to the pits of the fiery earth. I am indeed thankful for all those who have been ever giving to me. Unlike you, these people do believe in me and that this pit that I have dug myself into, I will one day be able to free myself from these shackles that binds me. NO I wont succumb to lowering my own dignity and standards just to satisfy your childish desires.
And if you ask me are those people right for assuming that my parents ought to be proud of me? Hell yeah. I am strong enough to carry on with the dreams that I have yet to achieved, with or without a boy by my side . And I sure am wise enough to know that enough is enough. You want to play around with people's heart? Go. Not mine. It took me 24 years to mould myself into the person that a 5 year old me would be proud of and I certainly am not going to let you take that away from me.
So yes, teacher. My parents would be indeed proud of the child that they have flourished. (Perasan gila) :)
Up until recently I couldn't find the strength to continue this quest to forget what I thought you were. I couldn't. I was in disbelief, hoping that it was all a big misunderstanding, that you were going through a tough time in a tough place. In an febrile attempt to finally forget about u, my closest friend showed me a message u sent her.
She asked if you still loved me. You couldn't even answer that. "That's a good question" What kind of answer is that? A measly 3 months away and you couldn't sustain a flaming love of 3 years. That was the last nail on the coffin. I'm truly thankful that she showed me that for if it was without that motivation I would have reconciled with you long back. But that final blow was all that I needed to remind myself that I AM NOT BENEATH YOU.
You couldn't sustain a love just because I was going through a bad time? Is that how a 25 year old adult man (sorry it should be boy. You don't qualify as a man) should be thinking?
All good brews takes time to nurture.
You expected me to adjust to our long distance relationship in such a short period? Hell I knew that fights were coming our way but I knew for a fact that it was just a transition until I get to know your schedule a lil better and that the time difference between your work and mine was just something to ease into. But no. You took it as an opportunity. Blasphemy.
I was going through my finals in addition to that I was undergoing a surgery for a cyst. With so much going on in my life, I was without a doubt under tremendous stress, hence the climatic erratic messages. I thought u understood. But no, you used that as an excuse to severe all ties. You used the lowest part of my life as an excuse for you to start a new.
I stood by you when you had nothing. No status, no wealth, nothing to shout for. I stood by you. Accepting you for who and what you are. Your flaws and imperfections I took it all in. Now that you are a boy with status, possessions and power in a new environment, you turned your back on me. Is that the thanks I deserve? The thanks that I get for believing, supporting you in your lowest parts of your life? A big THANK YOU during mine?
And to think that throughout these whole time I was still very much concerned with your well being in this new horrible environment that you have been sent to. If you were alright, if you could take it, if you were driving safely to work every morning even though you broke the hearts that I hold so dearly and that you obviously do not care about me anymore. Yes I am a dumb ass.
Nobody said that life is easy but nobody said that it would drag you down to the pits of the fiery earth. I am indeed thankful for all those who have been ever giving to me. Unlike you, these people do believe in me and that this pit that I have dug myself into, I will one day be able to free myself from these shackles that binds me. NO I wont succumb to lowering my own dignity and standards just to satisfy your childish desires.
And if you ask me are those people right for assuming that my parents ought to be proud of me? Hell yeah. I am strong enough to carry on with the dreams that I have yet to achieved, with or without a boy by my side . And I sure am wise enough to know that enough is enough. You want to play around with people's heart? Go. Not mine. It took me 24 years to mould myself into the person that a 5 year old me would be proud of and I certainly am not going to let you take that away from me.
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